In the year 918, Christopher Columbus helped build the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Then he headed to the Indies.

Too bad he failed massively and landed in the Americas.

But the joke thinks he landed in the Indies and starts calling the natives "Indians."

White people are idiots.

How could this dude perform a massive fail and get a day named after him?

A day on which a bill is paid late 'cause you forget banks are closed?

Little known fact: Columbus actually found Ottawa first.

But didn't want to stop there because he was afraid he'd get AIDS.

What a suit.

As for the game, it was another unreal example of the Pens' depth.

Malkin and Bing were held to 0 points, but the Pens rolled.

Mr. Kennedy had two goals.

Staal has a goal in 3 straight games.

Billy Guerin put one home.

And how big of joke are the Senators? If we suspected any NHL player of doing steriods, it would be Jonathan Cheechoo. He had 56 goals, and now he needs a GPS to find the net. We hate Dany Heatley as much as anyone, but the Senators aren't even remotely the same team without him.

And for those keeping score at home, this is three straight road games

where the Pens have made the fans boo the home team.

Pens have started the season 4-0 on the road.

They play in Carolina on Wednesday then come home for 5 games.

MAF is 5-0.

Jump.

Anthem stunned

We'd go to a random Ottawa game from our archives, copy and paste some random anthem pic,

and sell it as an anthem for this game.

But we have a soul.

Trying to recap the first period is like walking in on your grandma touching herself.
Which means it was awesome.

FSN defies ordinary by having the Pens introduce themselves Monday Night Football style.
Nice touch.
Edzo was probably on his couch drinking a Sierra Mist telling NBC producers about it.

9 seconds into the game, Kunitz's weiner draws a penalty. What a strange call.
The players' reactions were as awkward as the Cooke and Eaton commercial.
No dice on that power play.

Later on, tits McKee blocks a pass on a big-time 2-on-1.
On that same shift, Adams heads to the box for jobbing someone.
Killed.

As the first period fecaled along, Crosby got douched by Phillips.
Too bad it's not the 2006 playoffs anymore.

Some joke for the Sens scored a sweet goal. 1-0.

-Jon B-

39 seconds later, Billie G. crossed the scene and put home a second chance.

Just a superior effort.

1-1. Big goal for Guerin.

Malkin was on the ice for like 11 seconds the entire period.

Then at the other end, the puck hits something in the boards.
MAF's out to lunch. Kovy was there to put it home. fail.

Flash in the pan dives and buys a tripping call.
Killed.

Job job job job.
Malkin enters the zone like Columbus.

Job job. Kovy slashes Letang, after Guerin destroyed him.
Pens on the PP. Killed.

Kennedy comes in and fires a slapper. Wow.

Third period starts, and the Senators come out flatter than Columbus' sac.

Staal gets called for a penalty, but the Sens powerplay is listless.

Kovy looks disinterested and constipated.

Pens are in cruise control just waiting for a mistake. They get one.

Some rookie makes a piss poor pass. Speeza is lazy.

Rupp pounds it to the net. Staal cleans it up. 4-1.

Too bad Columbus didn't discover photography at Sens games. Jokes.

TK is out of his mind and nearly scores on a three-on-one.

Then the Sens come back on a four-on-two. Jay Mckee was unimpressed, thwarting the play.

Out of nowhere, the Sens run MAF.

Somehow the Pens end up shorthanded. Doesn't make sense.

Letang hits some guy, and he goes flying into the boards. 5-o-3 for about a minute and a half.

Sens could care less. Jordan Staal killed it himself.

Nothing like booing fans late in the game.

Pens kill the penalties.

Chris Neil then decides to start running people. What a hack.

FSN shows Adams, Godard, and Rupp all with black eyes.

Stieggy coins Black-Eyed P's.

GAME.