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Everyone this side of the Allegheny has been searching for ways the Penguins can savalage their season.
From adjustments to the powerplay, from lineup changes to big trades, everyone has become a GM.
Amateurs.
Saving the season is easier than anyone thinks.
SIDNEY CROSBY TURNS HEEL
In our future book "Everything Would Be Better If It Were Like Pro Wrestling in the '90s," we'll devote a few chapters to how turning into a heel benefits your career and any impotence issues you may be dealing with.
The best precedent for this is The Rock.
Think about his rise to stardom in the WWF.
He started off as a lovable joke in the Nation of Domination, degrading himself to levels of buffoonery because Vince McMahon knew he had the skills to pay the bills.
Speaking of McMahon, he always knew how to mold a wrestler into an icon. So The Rock was turned into a heel. He started going after the fans and cutting unreal promos By going against the grain, he became the grain. It is painfully obvious that this is what Lemieux and Shero have to do to Sidney Crosby.
People have grown to hate Bing because he is a good-natured guy who was made into the face of the new NHL. Everyone now loves A.O. because he is the anti-Crosby. He has no pressure on him. This is where Bing needs to turn heel. In his next interview session, he needs to drop F-bombs and maybe even hit someone, possibly Rob Rossi or preferably Rich Walsh, with a steel chair.
We can see it now...................
Sidney, talk about this devastating loss to the New York Rangers.
We're on a first name basis now, Kevin Kelley?
I'm Darren Dreger.
Can you elaborate on what your team can do to stem the tide during the race to the playoffs?
Well, what do you think The Bing should do?
It's simple. You just have to --
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!
[ knocks the microphone out of Dreger's hand and pees on it ]
Listen, Dreger, you roody-poo, candy-ass jabroni. The Bing is tired of catering to the lowest common demoninator and toting the company line for the millions....mmmmhaaaaa....and the millions of dollars given to The Bing for The Bing's endorsement deals. This is the new age of The Bing. I rule my Bingdom. The Bing is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment. If ya smell-lalalalalalalalowwwwwww what The Bing is cookin'.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
Good God!! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!
Business is about to pick up!
What follows is one of the epic matches in the history of America. The Bing and Stone Cold go toe-to-toe, exchanging roundhouse rights and fists of fury. Owen Hart dies. This impromptu brawl sets The Bing into a frenzy. He takes the padding off the ends of the benches and runs players into it. He knocks refs out, throws the puck into the net, drags the ref over to the net, and wakes him up.
Goal.
He baits players into chasing him through the lower recesses of Mellon Arena.
Just when it looks like they will get him, henchmen Godard and Biz Nasty hit them with a car.
During a big-time home game against Philly, Crosby isn't on the ice to start. In the middle of a Philly powerplay, the lights go out. All you hear is the ominous toll of a bell. And then you hear it again. The Mellon Arena pyrotechnics go into overdrive as a plume of purple smoke rises from the Pens runway.
After the game, he ties Macho Joke Mike Richards to the ice and has a snake bite him.
Fast-forward to the playoffs. Game 7 in Montreal. Overtime. Mike Komisarek puts The Bing into a cross-faced chicken wing. Referee Rob Schick blows the whistle and calls Toronto. It counts as a goal. The Pens season ends.
Unable to overcome the infamous Montreal Screw Job, The Bing is relegated by popular culture to retire from hockey and act in a bunch of movies of varying success. Some girl puts ex-lax in his Gatorade before he goes scuba-diving. A shark bites him as he craps everywhere, and he dies. At least the Pens made the playoffs.
HIRE THE WRITERS OF "LOST" TO DO ICE TIME PROGRAMS
If you have something that is seemingly going nowhere, and you want it to last as long as possible, the writing team of "Lost" is who you turn to.
This is how you should look if you're "lost."
BRING BACK THE COUNTRY CLUB ATMOSPHERE OF THE '90s.
Back in the '90s, everyone accused the Penguins brass of running a country club; a player's utopia consisting of optional practices, minimal workouts, a lot of sleep, and Vicadin.
The result of this happening this year? Pens get the first seed, and Scotty Bowman gets his first erection since 1997.
LEMIEUX-BOURQUE-ERREY LINE RISES TO POWER
They'll call it the "Best Shape Of My Life" line.
The first of a couple of pioneering moves by the Pens to turn this season around, as they conduct the first ever color-commentator/player experiment. Twice. Having Bourque and Errey play as they do color commentary will give the Pens bench some info that they would otherwise have no access to.
February 24th, 2008 -- Bob Errey gets suspended two games by the Pens for continually giving himself the Subway Sammich of the Game highlight.
Lemieux returns in late March and wins the Art Ross by 26 points.
Pens clinch the Cup in mid-April, and go on to win the World Championships in Switzerland after they make up a country and join the tournament as such.
HIRE THAT PILOT OF THE HUDSON RIVER PLANE TO BE HEAD COACH
How sick would this be? The Pens have a history of being pioneers. They've already made history, with Mario Lemieux being an owner-player. Hiring this Sully guy, the Hero of the Monongahela, would give the Pens the distinction of being the first sports franchise to have a pilot-coach. It's exactly what the Pens need. Plus, the dude's wife will handle all post-game press conferences, adding a unique wrinkle to the organization's relationship with the media.
SIGN BIG BIRD AS A POWER FORWARD
The off-season departure of Ryan Malone left a hole that a lot of Pens fans didn't want to recognize. Big Bird, who recently lost his wife to cancer, has a fire burning inside. His doctor tells him it's gonorrhea, but the yellow menace knows what is gonorrhea and what is an urge to play hockey in the professional ranks. He literally "Asks Jay" to help train him at Neville Island Sports Complex. He makes his debut in February against the Thrashers. Pens make the playoffs. Big Bird is given the "C," which evidently stands for "crack," since he is arrested before the SCF for possession.
HIRE STEVEN SEAGAL AS HEAD TRAINER
Pens immediately change their season motto from Great Day For Hockey to Fire Down Below and put Seagal's head on their uniforms.
If a player is hurt, Seagal kinaps their family and makes them play.
He also insists the Penguins travel by bullet-train everywhere they go, thus keeping their legs fresher, and setting up a possible "Under Siege 3."
During the stretch run to the playoffs, the Pens learn sick karate moves and how to make bombs, while perfecting the technique of looking like an Asian from certain camera angles.
Uncanny
Go Pens.
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