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Well, the saying "Don't tell them dick" just got a new meaning.

There is no way we could ever make this up. Don Brennan, who is a complete nutjob, wrote one of the more bizarre columns of all time shortly after the Penguins beat the Senators.

Brennan and his disdain for the Penguins is very well documented. 

But even this is a little extreme. Brennan apparenty had a run-in with Matt Cooke during the pre-game pressers:

He wanted to tell me I have no balls. At first I think he said "small balls." But by the time he had finished, and knew Penguins GM Ray Shero was listening, he had decided I had none. Oh, and I believe he also mumbled something about me having no penis before disappearing into the players-only room, which I found interesting.

That is right, everyone. Don Brennan wanted you to visualize his penis. 

That is really what this column is about. Don Brennan is that into himself. There is no other reason a journalist would print this. The Senators are collapsing, and instead of talking about that, Brennan inserts himself and his PENIS into a storyline that isn't even a thing. And what did he mean by the "Shero listening" part? Does he think Ray Shero daydreams about his Penis, too?

What was Matt Cooke supposed to do? Buckle to the irrational Ottawa notion that he intentionally and successfully cut Erik Karlsson's Achilles tendon?

Does this Brennan paragraph even make sense:

Again, I don't think he was aiming for Karlsson's Achilles, but I've watched the replay many times and I'm convinced he was either trying to hurt the Senators best player or he was being careless enough with his boot blade to warrant a suspension.

Honestly Matt Cooke should have stabbed Don Brennan.

If this is any indication of what a playoff series would be like against the Senators, bring it the hell on.

God.

Sorry about your Penis, bro.

You really aren't supposed to make this type of pass from behind the net. Senators defense out to lunch. 

Morrow made an extremely tough pass look too easy. Wow.

Pens were missing $36 million plus in cap space against a Sens team in a must-win situation.

Thank god they have like 12 captains. Morrow and Iginla teamed up for the game-winner. TK actually scored a goal. Pens win 3-1.

These two teams could be seeing each other again very soon. The loss puts the Senators close to the eighth spot in the East as they continue to slide.

Typical Chris Neil.

Neil was given a charging penalty on the play.

Pittsburgh Penguins (34-10-0) @ Ottawa Senators (23-15-6)

ROOT, SNET-E, TVA, 7:30 pm/et

Hell's Kitchen - Kanata, ON

Hopefully tonight's contest resembles a hockey game and not the bizarre sideshow that the Ottawa Senators and many of their fans want it to be. We doubt it though. We put the over/under on staged fights at three. Place your bets.

Also, enter the Twitter contest.

Tonight we are all Matt Cooke.

Via Erin Nicks on Twitter:

A Cooke/cook/kitchen pun was the best thing they could come up with?

It's a good thing the Penguins picked up all of those players around the deadline without sending any roster players away.

From Josh Yohe:

Fleury's wife about to have baby. Letang has food poisoning. Bennett day to say with upper body injury. All out tonight.

— Josh Yohe (@JoshYohe_Trib) April 22, 2013

That means Crosby, Malkin, Neal, Martin, Letang, Bennett and Fleury will all be out. According to the Pens' website, the following players took part in an optional morning skate:

Morrow, Jokinen, MacIntyre, Jeffrey, Dupuis, Adams, Glass, Cooke, Sutter, Kennedy, Orpik, Bortuzzo, Eaton, Engelland, Despres, Niskanen, Vokoun and Hartzell.